


Letters For Those Whose Backs I Can See

by Crescent_River



Category: Original Work
Genre: Character Death, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Death, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Music, Letters, Mild Language, Multi, No lesbians were harmed in the making of this story, Orphanage, Partly inspired by Unus Anus, Platonic Relationships, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Relationships, Work In Progress, Writing to the dead, dark themes, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crescent_River/pseuds/Crescent_River
Summary: Dear to all those who have been in my life, I only have one year left. I hope you enjoy the letters I write even if you can't read them.orTaylen, diagnosed with a deadly illness writes letters to all of those in their life before they die in one year time
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Female Character, Original Female Character/Original Male Character, Original Male Character/Original Male Character





	1. Dear To The Woman Who Birthed Me

**Author's Note:**

> TW for this chapter: Implied/referenced child abuse
> 
> Let me know what you think! Feedback is always appreciated!

Dear to the woman who birthed me,

Your name is Evelyn Paige. That's all I know about you. I don’t remember much of how you were, but I remember the day you left me on those tiled steps. They had sharp corners, I remember the bruises running on the back of my thighs, they stayed there for weeks.  
I don't remember much of my childhood, the doctors said I blacked it out because of trauma. I remember the needles though, and the pills. I would like to think you left me tearfully, forced to because of poverty, but that was so very very wrong. It wasn’t even you who left me there, it was your drug dealer, who you traded me to for more of your happy pills. 

I am pleased to inform you that I have had an ok life. Average grades, an average job, enough to be happy and be sort of successful. Did some community college, didn’t have enough to go chase my dreams. I did charity work on weekends and helped in rehab to people like you who are slaves to man made substances willingly. I have tried to be everything you were not. 

Anyways, that's not why I am writing, you could be dead for all I know. I will be soon too though. I cough up blood. They don’t know what is wrong with me, but think it is because of my lungs being deformed and sick. It's maybe from the drugs you took while you were with me. I have to get a lung transplant or I am dead in a year. One year exactly, 365 days to live. I will probably die, I can’t afford the bills and I have no support to turn to.  
Maybe I will see you up there, maybe if there is a place that the dead goes. 

Love- Taylen Q, the child you never wanted.


	2. Dear Noel who was always smiling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Noel who was always smiling, 
> 
> We met on the playground. You were on the swing, alone looking at the others who were playing jump rope. You had blond hair, brown eyes like the fancy toffee in the confectionery store. We looked at those windows for hours, each delicate sugar spun creation glittering and winking up at our round faces. You loved those little candied cherries you would share with me every Tuesday. That store closed down years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for this chapter: death

Dear Noel who was always smiling, 

We met on the playground. You were on the swing, alone looking at the others who were playing jump rope. You had blond hair, brown eyes like the fancy toffee in the confectionery store. We looked at those windows for hours, each delicate sugar-spun creation glittering and winking up at our round faces. You loved those little candied cherries you would share with me every Tuesday. That store closed down years ago.

You always had a smile on your face. Even when you fell and scraped your knee you would still be smiling no matter what. I once asked you if you were actually happy. You said yes, life is too short to not enjoy each part of it. We were only eight then. I asked what was your secret, where did you acquire those rose-tinted lenses that you viewed everything through. 

You broke into that sweet smile, sugary eyes crinkling like cooling caramel. I will show you where you can find happiness, you said. You took my hand skipping over to a crosswalk. You pulled me along. Until for the first time, I saw your eyes fill with fear. You shoved me back against the asphalt hard, you always were stronger than me. I watched from the ground as the car blew through the traffic light, fitting your fragile body. 

It broke apart like the delicate confections you were so fond of. The world went silent as you flew, red like the cherries you were so fond of. I walked forward on newborn legs, taking a still warm hand in my own, squeezing, expecting you to squeeze back. You didn’t. 

I never found out where you can find happiness, where you can get those honeyed lenses. It is my fault you died, I know that. So when I join you, will you forgive me for doing this to you? Will you give me a second chance to make everything right? Please, just let me share cherry confections with you one more time before you turn you back on me like the others. Please just one more time. 

-Taylen, the one you protected at the cost of your own life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always apreciated!


	3. Dear Adrian, the puppet master

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Adrian, the one who wears the crown of broken promises.
> 
> Where do I start, I would want to say I am not angry anymore, not bitter or broken. That is so very far from the truth. You are the most vile person I have ever met, the one who ripped my heart and soul apart and smiled while doing so. But now I think I understand why you did it. Once upon a time you looked me in the eyes and said that you would never leave me. Oh how naive I was. Fell right into your hands, ones of a master puppeteer. You, a two faced snake who would put on a mask for each person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for this chapter: implied manipulation and implied suicide.

Dear Adrian, the one who wears the crown of broken promises.

Where do I start, I would want to say I am not angry anymore, not bitter or broken. That is so very far from the truth. You are the most vile person I have ever met, the one who ripped my heart and soul apart and smiled while doing so. But now I think I understand why you did it. Once upon a time you looked me in the eyes and said that you would never leave me. Oh how naive I was. Fell right into your hands, ones of a master puppeteer. You, a two faced snake who would put on a mask for each person. 

I thought for years, why did you do that, do you feel joy from taunting and torturing other people? I think I found out why you did it now though. You were scared. You were terrified that people could use you like some have before so you reeled in the ones who were like how you were, then break them so they couldn’t break you. You hated the weakness you had so you abused the ones with the same weakness to feel in control of yourself. This is not a letter saying I forgive you, this is a letter saying I understand.

I would want to ask you this. On that fate filled day on the roof, the sky was grey, the bakery was making bread, you could smell it, warm and sweet unlike the steely air that whipped around us. Do you remember that day? Did you really mean what you said? Did you really care for me long enough to say that before jumping?  
I can’t say anything to you now, you are dead. I clean your grave every month, I leave you pink roses that you so dearly loved. They symbolize happiness, sort of ironic with how unhappy we both were in this cold world. I still am though, and you are probably happy in your compartment of the underworld. I hope you have fun burning. 

Taylen, the one who you broke.


	4. Dear Alai, my angelic soulmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Alai, my angelic soulmate
> 
> I remember a lot about you. I remember your black hair, straight and glossy like the sea at night. You had the darkest slate eyes, smooth and serene, cold and clipped but would crinkle like a great albatrosses wings when you smiled. Your laugh sounded clear and bright in the room. You were the most perfect person I had ever seen.   
> I remember our dates, the times we went swimming, curled together on the couch while storms raged outside. You always had lean muscle on you, fit and fast. I remember your smile, you always covered it with your hand, insecure when you were pristine in every way possible. You always had that smile on, playful or tear-filled it didn’t matter to me. I just wanted you to be happy and love yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for this chapter: Implied suicide and self-hate
> 
> Feedback is always great!

Dear Alai, my angelic soulmate

I remember a lot about you. I remember your black hair, straight and glossy like the sea at night. You had the darkest slate eyes, smooth and serene, cold and clipped but would crinkle like a great albatrosses wings when you smiled. Your laugh sounded clear and bright in the room. You were the most perfect person I had ever seen.   
I remember our dates, the times we went swimming, curled together on the couch while storms raged outside. You always had lean muscle on you, fit and fast. I remember your smile, you always covered it with your hand, insecure when you were pristine in every way possible. You always had that smile on, playful or tear-filled it didn’t matter to me. I just wanted you to be happy and love yourself. 

And yet I failed, as I wept and screamed over your body, wrists split open in a wide scarlet smile, pills rolling around your form like little reminders of each of the things I had failed to notice as you spread yourself thin across people, so thin until you had had enough of everything. Your serene grey eyes stared blankly at the star painted ceiling, your lips curled at the corners, tear tracks apparent on your clear cheeks. You loved the color red, put streaks in your hair. You loved it so much that you placed a crimson kiss upon your arms forever.

People tried to take you away, I did not let them, you made a promise to me. We linked out fingers, each a curl of black ink in its crevice, a stamped promise, a serpentine figure eight. We promised each other that nothing could tear us apart, and yet death did us apart too soon. 

I read the note clutched in your hand. I keep it in a place where only I can find it, your last words are for my eyes only. I fulfilled your request, you got cremated and placed into a golden marble urn, your ashes scattered amongst the breezes of the cliff to fall like tears into the sea where you splashed amongst so many times.   
Your family did not show up to your funeral, it was only me. You knew that already though, they threw you out for being queer. I love you though. I will hold you in my arms until the sun explodes and the ground cracks open, I will never abandon you like others have to both of us. 

I will join you soon, you don’t need to wait long until we will be reunited. Before I go, I have more letters to write. Farewell for now my beautiful lover, I hope the flowers bloom in carmine and garnet on the other side. 

Taylen, your lover, best friend, and soulmate. Περίμενέ με σε παρακαλώ


End file.
